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that sounds great :) text me your number because my phone broke and i’ve lost all my contacts -_- xxx
I don’t really know what to do.. I’m not really very good when it comes to grieving, or dying or things like that. i hate sympathy and attention when it comes to this. we’re taking my dog to the vets tomorrow, it’s not fair on him to live yelping and crying every night in pain. Dad asked me if i wanted to go with them tomorrow, and i didn’t know. i know i sound like a cold bitch but i’m really not good when it comes to things like this. i don’t like it when my mam or dad comforts me, and i hate seeing my sister cry.
about 8 years ago, our family dog, Bess, was put down. she had cancer and she knew she was going to die. it was during the floods in carlisle and a storm had blown down a big branch on a tree. She lay underneath it; i think she thought of it as a peaceful place, and she wouldn’t move. My dad had to lift her out and into our home, all 8 stone of her. She knew she was going to die and we made the decision that we should respect her decision and let her die without pain rather than wait until she was physically exhausted and in pain and let her pass on her own. i would have only been about 9 years old. i remember mam asking me and my sister to say goodbye to her, we gave her a kiss and stroked her and then left the room. My mam didn’t want us to see her be put down because after the dog passes the body can flinch and spasm which as children we wouldn’t have understood and thought of as she was in pain. after about 15 mintutes we were aloud back into the kitchen where both my mam and dad were crying. my sister too was crying, hugging my mam. I sat by Bess, awkwardly. I didn’t want to cry in front of anyone; the vet, and my family. i didn’t want to be touched or comforted. i just wanted to sit with her on my own. about half an hour later i had to leave the room, tears had started and i didn’t want to be there with everyone there, i went outside and sat on the wall outside our house. i thought of her. i was sad, she was lovely, kind and gentle. but at the same time i also understood it was right and not doing so would have meant she would be in more pain.
So when my dad asked if i wanted to come.. i didn’t know what to say. I’m scared that if i get there and start crying i wont know what to do. i don’t want a hug from my mam or dad. it wont make me feel better. i feel i have to go, i feel it would be rude not to, sort of telling Bentley that he isn’t worth taking up my Tuesday morning. that i have better things to do than be with him in his last moments. i just can’t deal with death. i feel awkward about it. i want to be alone, not talked to, touched.
the first time i experienced this was when my aunty died. i was still living in holland at the time and my mam and dad had flown over to be with her while she passed. I had only met her once or twice when i was 2 so did’t know or remember her. when she passed my mam rang our neighbours and good friends who were looking after me and my sister and told them the news to break to us. they sat us by the kitchen table and explained that we knew that our parents had gone to england to see aunty sarah because she was very sick. and that that night she had passed away. when she said this i froze up, i don’t remember what i did but i remember she kept saying that she was ‘gone’. ‘i’m sorry girls, she’s gone.’ i think she thought we didn’t understand, or maybe that they wanted us to jump into their arms for comfort. i started to cry, to be honest i don;t know why.. i didn’ know my aunty sarah at all. but their constant ‘she’s gone’ had became too much and tears started to come. i don’t remember what happened after that really.. i think i went upstaires alone. i needed space. my own private space, to feel how ever i wanted.
And so i don’t know what to do tomorrow when i’m actually there. i know it’s right that it happens. it would be unfair otherwise. but i’m not good with death. i can’t deal with people. i honestly think the only one i’d want to see would be Phil. just for a hug. just to be taken away from that place with the vet and my parents and sister, i can’t deal with them saying stuff about him like ‘oh remember when..’ i need someone who doesn’t know him. someone who can comfort me but take me away to a different place, to take my mind off it.
I don’t know why i am like this. Most people who don’t know me would read this and think ‘god, she’s cold.’ but it’s not that, i love Bentley. yes he’s a pain and a grumpy old dog. but he’s been in my life for 7 years and i do love him. i just deal with things differently i guess.
I don’t really know. i just know that i have to go tomorrow for him, i’d feel cruel if i don’t. and after that i don’t know. i don’t know if my family will even let me leave after or if they’ll want to go home with me.. i don’t know. I just feel like shit. and theres nothing i can do to change tomorrow.
oh, thank you :) slightly blushing.. :)
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